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Guest Post: Clumsiness

Guest Post: Clumsiness

And today we have a guest post! Enjoy, and I also might post something later on in the day.
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Clumsiness.

I has it. Today I’m skipping the intro, there will be a link to my blog at the end if you like this. I’ll give you a cookie to join the Clan. (Shhh.) So. Let’s begin. Once, when I was young, I managed to step on a yellowjacket nest, and they stung my toe. I was very scared, and my parents were anticpating some sort of allergic reaction. Hopeful huh? Well, after that, someone jumped out of a 200 lb wooden swing and it fell on me, and cracked my head open. That was fun. Then there was the time (because it was only once o.O) I fell up the stairs. A month or so ago, I broke my toe by walking too close behind my friend and kicking the back of her shoe. Yes, I’m so serious. Then, when weaving through a classroom full of chairs, I kicked one of the legs on a chair. With just my not-so-healed pinky toe. Just that one toe. Well, today, I walked once in my house and tripped on my cat. He was sitting right in front of the doorjamb, so that was his fault. But then, walking out, I tripped again, this time on nothing, and slammed the toe yet again into the doorjamb. I think I re-broke it. I’ve broken my toe twice in like, two months. What is this?

I think I have a gift. I think, that the next time I want revenge on someone I don’t like, I’m bringing them around me for awhile, just to see if it will rub off on them. They can break their toe for once. Damn things, always running into my poor little toe. Do you know how bad it hurts? How blasted hard it is to walk now? It’s so awful. And all I was doing was walking outside to eat those kool-aid flavored ice things, in those long plastic packages, with my dog. (She likes them.) I give up. This is why I do nothing but sit on the computer almost all day. I’m disaster prone and it’s frightening.

Well, I’m glad to have gotten this off my chest. So, head on over to the Ninja Penguin http://www.kaitlynnelizabethh.wordpress.com if you like the way I rant and rave. There’s plenty more where that came from.

Later, moonmarbles.
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Posted by on June 29, 2012 in Guest Posts

 

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Guest Post: The Best (Read: Worst) 21st Birthday Party Ever

Hey, everyone!

Today I have a guest post, from Troy Harris. I’m happy to post it here, so enjoy 😀

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I went to a strip club recently(it doesn’t matter how recently I went, because this story isn’t topical). I know everyone on the Internet is wont to lecture on morality, so let me justify myself: this was a total ambush for one of my friends. You see, she’d never been to a strip club before, and her twenty-first birthday seemed like as good a time as any to introduce her to the world of faux carnal sin and infinite debt.

There are two fatal mistakes we made when we went to this particular strip club(which would have been mistakes at any strip club, mind you): first, we went on a Tuesday. Second, we went at three in the afternoon. Weird thing about the South, they have strip clubs that are open all the time. Unfortunately, when you run an entertainment establishment twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, you have to lower your standards when it comes to quality. Y’know, like the meat packing industry.

When we walked into the joint, something screamed ‘wrong’ at me from the get-go. Maybe it was the stainless steel bar, maybe it was the fact that the beer was served in clear plastic cups, maybe it was the fact that the dancers had towels that they put on the chairs before they’d sit down next to you. Who knows? As soon as we sat down in the otherwise empty main room, We were bombarded by the finest high school dropouts that south Texas had to offer. “Hey there, stud,” One of the sultry beauties said to me, the air whistling through the gaps where some of her teeth should have been. Over intoxicated and undeterred, I was determined to score a lap dance for Jessica, my nubile young friend who currently looked like she wasn’t sure if she wanted to laugh or vomit. “Well hey, yourself,” I said, smooth as could be.

“Y’all must have the day off,” she said, her voice a combination of five-year disillusionment and ten-year-smoker’s growl.

“Nah,” I replied, “We just decided to skip work. It’s Jess’ twenty first birthday, and we’re starting early.” The dancer laughed, a sound not all that dissimilar to Jabba the Hutt. “You remind me of my son,” she cooed. I looked over to Jess, who, having made her decision, made a mad dash for the restroom. But I was determined, friends. Even after I, upon closer inspection, noticed the dancer’s cesarian scar and stretch marks, I remained determined to score my friend’s first lap dance for her. I leaned in to seal the deal. “Look,” I said, “My friend has never been to a strip club before. I was wondering if you’d do her the honor of giving her her first lap dance.” “Of course, sugar,” the dancer crooned. “It’s twenty dollars.”

“Twenty dollars! That’s egregious!” The poor girl looked as though my words had physically harmed her. In retrospect, that might have just been the black eye that her boyfriend had given her. I regained my composure. “Isn’t there some sort of birthday discount?” I asked, my aura of calm restored. “Sorry, honey,” the girl said, “company policy.”

I’d lost the battle, but the war was far from over. I reached into my pocket and produced a twenty dollar bill. Looking around, I spotted Jess emerging from the restroom. “There she is,” I said, “get her.” Friends, what happened next can only be described as best sequence of reactionary nonverbal communication to date. Jess alternated between looking at me with utter disdain, looking at her dancer as if trying to crack a safe, and looking at the ground trying not to cry. It was the best twenty-first birthday for someone else ever, in my eyes. Jess hasn’t called me since, but it’s only because she lost her phone in one of the dancer’s rolls, I think.

Troy writes a column at Kamikazedy. You can also follow him on twitter.

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Well there it was 🙂

Anyway, a new post from me should be coming today or tomorrow, so stay tuned, I guess. *goes back to browsing cars and sighing wishfully*

 
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Posted by on February 4, 2012 in Guest Posts

 

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