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Guest Post: The Best (Read: Worst) 21st Birthday Party Ever

04 Feb

Hey, everyone!

Today I have a guest post, from Troy Harris. I’m happy to post it here, so enjoy ๐Ÿ˜€

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I went to a strip club recently(it doesn’t matter how recently I went, because this story isn’t topical). I know everyone on the Internet is wont to lecture on morality, so let me justify myself: this was a total ambush for one of my friends. You see, she’d never been to a strip club before, and her twenty-first birthday seemed like as good a time as any to introduce her to the world of faux carnal sin and infinite debt.

There are two fatal mistakes we made when we went to this particular strip club(which would have been mistakes at any strip club, mind you): first, we went on a Tuesday. Second, we went at three in the afternoon. Weird thing about the South, they have strip clubs that are open all the time. Unfortunately, when you run an entertainment establishment twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, you have to lower your standards when it comes to quality. Y’know, like the meat packing industry.

When we walked into the joint, something screamed ‘wrong’ at me from the get-go. Maybe it was the stainless steel bar, maybe it was the fact that the beer was served in clear plastic cups, maybe it was the fact that the dancers had towels that they put on the chairs before they’d sit down next to you. Who knows? As soon as we sat down in the otherwise empty main room, We were bombarded by the finest high school dropouts that south Texas had to offer. “Hey there, stud,” One of the sultry beauties said to me, the air whistling through the gaps where some of her teeth should have been. Over intoxicated and undeterred, I was determined to score a lap dance for Jessica, my nubile young friend who currently looked like she wasn’t sure if she wanted to laugh or vomit. “Well hey, yourself,” I said, smooth as could be.

“Y’all must have the day off,” she said, her voice a combination of five-year disillusionment and ten-year-smoker’s growl.

“Nah,” I replied, “We just decided to skip work. It’s Jess’ twenty first birthday, and we’re starting early.” The dancer laughed, a sound not all that dissimilar to Jabba the Hutt. “You remind me of my son,” she cooed. I looked over to Jess, who, having made her decision, made a mad dash for the restroom. But I was determined, friends. Even after I, upon closer inspection, noticed the dancer’s cesarian scar and stretch marks, I remained determined to score my friend’s first lap dance for her. I leaned in to seal the deal. “Look,” I said, “My friend has never been to a strip club before. I was wondering if you’d do her the honor of giving her her first lap dance.” “Of course, sugar,” the dancer crooned. “It’s twenty dollars.”

“Twenty dollars! That’s egregious!” The poor girl looked as though my words had physically harmed her. In retrospect, that might have just been the black eye that her boyfriend had given her. I regained my composure. “Isn’t there some sort of birthday discount?” I asked, my aura of calm restored. “Sorry, honey,” the girl said, “company policy.”

I’d lost the battle, but the war was far from over. I reached into my pocket and produced a twenty dollar bill. Looking around, I spotted Jess emerging from the restroom. “There she is,” I said, “get her.” Friends, what happened next can only be described as best sequence of reactionary nonverbal communication to date. Jess alternated between looking at me with utter disdain, looking at her dancer as if trying to crack a safe, and looking at the ground trying not to cry. It was the best twenty-first birthday for someone else ever, in my eyes. Jess hasn’t called me since, but it’s only because she lost her phone in one of the dancer’s rolls, I think.

Troy writes a column atย Kamikazedy. You can also follow him onย twitter.

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Well there it was ๐Ÿ™‚

Anyway, a new post from me should be coming today or tomorrow, so stay tuned, I guess. *goes back to browsing cars and sighing wishfully*

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2 Comments

Posted by on February 4, 2012 in Guest Posts

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

2 responses to “Guest Post: The Best (Read: Worst) 21st Birthday Party Ever

  1. Troy Harris

    February 4, 2012 at 3:55 pm

    thanks for the spot, Diya.

     

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