Tans and Hotel California

For the past two days, my mother and I have been visiting a park, to gain tans. Since there’s less than two months left till going to Bulgaria for the summer holiday, we decided that being snowy white would not help us. Well, I’m here, with a fierce red sunburn. Awesome. And tomorrow I’ll just waddle into school still scorpion magenta. I hope it goes brown soon.

Anyway, while we were lazing around, me reading my National Geographic (something about solar rays and electricity) and my mum with her Reader’s Digest, some PALE PALE shirtless teenager whizzed past us on a small bike. Oh wow. You nearly cut off my hands, happy?

At 12 something pm we went home to fill ourselves with some food. I just had cucumber, yogurt, a tiny as hell slice of ham, some seven or so almonds, and turnip. Me gusta.

We then set off again. Only… Those stupid biked idiots were there. Idiots. They brumbled past on their tiny scooters (strong enough to squash you flat though), smiling at us. Oh congratulations, you’re trying to impress a kid and her mother. With what? Your pale chavvy manners? Go to hell.

But one good thing was the music in the background. The park is near Grand Union Canal, where boats sail past constantly. Some pensioners were having a gathering there. All the boats were lined up in the water, and chair were in a circle. They drank beer and chilled. And the music. It was all Black Sabbath, Led Zeppelin, The Eagles, Lynyrd Skynyrd, The Doors. Bliss. They were playing Hotel California at one point. So nice.

I did my exercise in the park (as much as I could without being interrupted by the biking chavs, anyway) and downed my apple and almonds.

One would call it a productive, unproductive day. I did a lot of things: tanned, read, exercised, relaxed. I also did nothing: math freakin test tomorrow at school. Meh. Who needs algebra, anyway?

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I watched Eurovision yesterday. It was in Azerbaijan. They made the place seem awesome. I liked those flame towers. When I was little, when it was a country’s turn to sing, they would show some clip about it or the flag. Now they don’t.

Haha the British commentator was making fun of everybody just because their Engelbert Humperdinck (I think that’s his name) came second to last. At one point there was this strangely dressed woman, and the guy said, “Do you think she’s part of a cult?” Oh cmon. Sweden won. What I didn’t get was why people sang in English. You’re supposed to represent your country, not the UK! Sing in your own language!

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Oh yeah, I also had an eye test on Saturday before burning myself at the park. Those of you who have eye tests frequently and have no major problems (knock on wood) know what it’s like.

“Glaucoma?” 

“No.”

“Diabetes?”

“No.”

“Heart disease?”

“No.”

“Arthritis?”

“No.”

“Jingleberrytingerlyfysucrosefilametis?”

“No.”

Anyway. My eyes sting so much now. I think it’s the sun. The lady told me I needed to lay off the electronics and have early nights. *sigh*. No more staying up till the morning. Never later than 3am though. 3am is the time the spirit veil is at it’s thinnest. 3am is when people get possessed. Haven’t you seen that Emily Rose movie?

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Heatwaves and wasps

Hellooooo everybody!

There is currently a heatwave in London. Yes, London. A heatwave. Heatwave. I know, I know. It’s impossible, right? No way London can be hotter than 0 degrees celsius! Well, it’s happened. Every year there’s a heatwave at the most unexpected time of year.

Last year, it was during the Easter holidays. It’s usually never hot during that time! This year, Easter was so dull and gloomy, I thought the sun was stuck in a sock or something. In the news, they said May would be the coldest may yet in over 100 years! Was it? For a little while, yes. I was all scarves and gloves. But since Tuesday, the sun has been bouncing up and down, frying my face. It shot up to 29 degrees celsius today, and believe me, that’s a heatwave for London.

Since I am from Bulgaria (freezing and snowing in the winter, flowery in Spring, beautifully orange at Autumn, and scorching in the summer, just how it should be), I tan quickly. My body is used to it. I’m not a dark person. My skin is very light colored, but when the sun comes out, I TRANSFORM if I stay out long enough. As I was saying, I tan quickly. The British people around me go as red as blood, parading around in their short shorts, fat bulging. If a little ray a sunshine peeks out- just a tiny ray – Britons dig out the sunglasses, low cut tops and sandals. Oh, and who cares about sun-cream. Sun-cream doesn’t exist to them. Bless these people, they never learn!

I’m expecting it to go down to 5 celsius by next Tuesday, that’s always the case.

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Look guys, I’m sorry to bore you about my stupid writings, but my book is now in the Apple iBook store, and in the Nook! Yayyy! Go search for Ancient Mondays. Go. At least read the blurb! I’m just making it quick.

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I probably should have structured this better – but let me tell you about this wasp. There’s this wasp that ALWAYS flies into my room when it’s warm and the window’s open. ALWAYS. My cat tried to eat it every time it makes an appearance, but it’s too clever. It never bites me or chases me, just hangs around near the blinds.

I’ve named it. It’s got 3 names. Billy, Bob, Andy and Waspy. I’m leaning towards Andy. The name reminds me of pancakes. My gran makes magic pancakes back in Bulgaria. They’re glorious with salt or jam. Glorious. Oh yeah, I’m also going to Bulgaria on the 21st July! I go every year. I can’t wait. Beaches, sun, relaxation (poker, novel writing, water fights…).

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There’s a duck watching you…

Anatidaephobia is the fear that somewhere in the world, there is a duck watching you. 

Just imagine that duck, staring, STARING into your eyes…BRAINWASHING you to toss the bread. That duck knows who you are, it KNOWS your parents, your damn house address! Yes, that duck will one day conquer the world…

Guys, I’ve just occupied myself with starting another book. A facts book. The things I’ve learnt over countless fact sites will never leave me. Here are some of my favorites:

• In Japan they have square watermelons.
• Breathing the air in Mumbai, India for just one day is equivalent to smoking 2.5 packs of cigarettes.
• Mcdonald’s salads are more fattening than their burgers. If you get a salad with crispy chicken and salad dressing, you could be consuming 35 grams of fat – the fat equivalent of 4 hamburgers.
• As a punishment for misbehavior, Thai cops have to wear pink Hello Kitty armbands.
• In Topeka, Kansas it is illegal to sing the alphabet on the streets at night. It is also illegal to install a bathtub, and you may not scream in a haunted house.
• It is against the law to sing off-key in North Carolina. I like this one. It should be a law everywhere, and it should be enforced extra strong in my school.

I’ve had an obsession with facts for years. I also hate this, since every time I see something really interesting, I HAVE to call over the nearest person. This is not very convenient in a very important life-altering math exam.

So far I have 74 facts, and I’ll add moarrrr!! Here, have a jeez at these:

• Snoop Dog sold Cameron Diaz weed in high school.  
• The main characters in Inception are: Dom, Robert, Eames, Arthur, Mal and Saito. Note the first letters.
•  Jeanne Louise Calment who had the longest confirmed lifespan in history ate nearly a kilogram of chocolate every week. She lived to the age of 122.
• Parents can hire a clown to stalk their own children for seven days until it throws a pie in their face, for their birthday. 

OMG guys, I had the weirdest dream ever last night. I was eating lentil soup while walking down the school corridor like I owned the place. I also tried to convince a boy to finish school, and not leave just because he won $500,000. Why did I even do that? If I even won $50, I would leave schools ass.

Near the end, I couldn’t find an empty stall in the bathrooms. At one point, Dracula walked out of a stall, and Toccata & Fugue in d minor, THE DAMN DRACULA TUNE played. A toilet seat tumbled out after him. I started asking him questions, and this was part of our conversation:

“Are you Dracula?”

“Si.”

“Really?”

“Si.”

“Why are you going to the toilet?”

“Si.”

“Why do you only know the word Si?”

“No si.”

I have no idea why Dracula was Spanish in my dream…Man oh man, I’m messed up.

My geography teacher was also wearing no shoes or socks, yesterday. We all found out after we were dismissed. He told us someone stole his shoes. Everyone has a crush on him.

My mother also told me when she was little they learnt Hitler only talked in German to his horse, since he thought the language was ugly. I don’t think that’s true; in all Hitler movies he yatters in German.

OK before this post gets too long, I’d like to congratulate my dad. He came to England 12 years ago on this day…he just walked in to tell me that at this time (8pm) he had landed. I’d like to congratulate him for making an awesome future for his family and having a good career after just arriving with one small suitcase and £1000. Thank you, dad. 

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There’s a dead baby outside!

“Did I tell you there’s a dead baby outside?” My dad grins as I enter the living room.

“WHAT?!” I frown and run to the window, scanning the area. No dead baby. “Yeah, ok,” I shake my head. 

And then suddenly, my eyes widen at the sight. A dead baby. 

 

No, guys. There wasn’t an actual dead baby outside. It was just a doll from the fat toddler that lives on the first floor and occasionally appears to annoy us.

The first time I saw it I nearly pissed myself. How the hell was the baby wearing white clothes? The people on the first floor can afford white clothes? They have a washing machine? 

I kid, I kid (dead baby kid). Now, whenever my dad sees anyone, he makes sure to say “There’s a dead baby outside!” or “Honey, we should call the police! There’s a dead baby outside!”

Yes, that’s the actual baby. Yesterday it was on the wet floor, so thank God someone put it on a stone bench. It was also raining, so those are the ghostly orbs you see (or they could be the dead baby’s ghost family!)

Today I was an ill idiot, so I stayed at home and read a billion poker books. Ahh, poker. The reason I still have hope. You can lose everything you have in one hand, but also gain everything you could ever wish for in another.

I was reading Shut up and Deal this morning, and I came across the story of the monkeys. I don’t know where the book is now, and I can’t be bothered to get it out and type away a whole page, so I’ll summarize it in my own words:

If you give a monkey a typewriter and let his randomly bang away at the keys, you’ll no doubt produce a sheet full of crap. But in between the random “fsghd”s, you’ll come across a word that makes sense. Add more monkeys, and you’ll still get a load of crap, but among all that they’ll have produced a coherent sentence. 

Now, if you get an infinite amount of monkeys, and an infinite amount of typewriters, and an infinite amount of time, they’ll eventually produce works of Shakespeare. 

Awesome, huh? Just like the main character Mickey, that story will now be stuck in my mind forever.

Man, yesterday I randomly logged into a PokerStars table, and guess what my first cards were? A♦ and K♦. Now, after losing a considerable amount of money yesterday, I raised like hell (that Zeppelin song also got me pumped up). Guess what the flop was? Q♦, J♦, 9♦. I already had a damn flush, oh holy hell. And I had the nut flush too! With a ROYAL FLUSH on the horizon! Then… K♣. Ok, awesome. Still waiting for that royal flush! 10♣. I didn’t get the royal flush, but I had a straight. A damn good straight. And I robbed 5,500 chips off some poor fellows. 

Yeah, yesterday was my “it” day! Ok, so I’ll be off playing poker. After all, I do need $400,000 something by the end of 2 1/2 years. 

PS. I’ve also added a “Follow Me” thingy at the sidebar, just to let you know I have a Twitter.

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Digging through the past

Today I took a break from writing my next book (mainly because I found out my first one has 4823572895 grammatical errors and it’s now all over the internet) and losing chips at poker. Instead, I rummaged through my old wardrobe to try and find anything good from when I was little.

I did find an old poem, and was kinda surprised at little 9-year-old me’s talent. It was about a lion, and I vaguely remember writing it a few years ago.

Mine is the roar, 

Loud and Fierce,

As loud as thunder,

The air is pierced.

 

Mine is the freedom,

That will never exist,

I am the golden Sun,

I am terrified like the mist.

 

Mine is the sadness,

Mine is the fear,

As grey as a dusty shelf,

When huntsmen are near.

Maybe I should write poems instead of books. Nahh.

I also found a few rogue rocks, elastic bands and some suspicious drawings of escape plans. What. The. Hell.

I also watched Con Air yesterday.

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Anyway, tomorrow I go back to hell with fluorescent lighting (aka. school).

I also need a favor from all you lot who read this (probably only myself and the surrounding air). What would make you come back to this blog? AND what would you like to read a book about?

Thank you!

 

 

Apples and Blackberries and Oranges and Pomegranates

Everybody seems set on the task to pump out new products named after fruits.

The company Apple. Steve Jobs named it this as he was in the midst of a “fruitarian diet” and thought the simple name was “fun, spirited, and not intimidating“.

This is what the logo used to be:

Then in changed to…

And now…

(the lovely site I used for this Apple info)

What about BlackBerry? I hate that phone brand, purely because it is overrated and SO many people use it. When I go to the gym, everyone’s on their BlackBerry phone, walking calmly on the treadmill while texting. Hello? You’re never going to shed those extra “it’s just baby fat, honey!” 300 pounds that way!

Actually, BlackBerry was not originally a phone, but a two-way pager. It only came out as a cell phone in 2002. One of the naming experts at Lexicon thought the miniature buttons on RIM’s product looked “like the tiny seeds in a strawberry,” Lexicon founder David Placek says. “A linguist at the firm thought straw was too slow sounding. Someone else suggested blackberry. RIM went for it.”[11] Previously the device was called LeapFrog, alluding to the technology leaping over the current competition, and its placeholder name during brainstorm was the PocketLink.

Interesting. 

So, Orange. It’s your turn.

I have no clue why they named it orange. Was it after the color or the fruit? Hmm. Here’s a thunk: Was the fruit named after the color, or the color named after the fruit?

Pomegranate!!! The pomegranate phone is a FUTURE phone. It does strange things like making your coffee and shaving your armpits. Just- just take a look.

It seems like it’s also a portable harmonica. This is even worse than the road accident inducing Google glasses!

What I’m saying in all this drabble is…why the hell name everything after a fruit? Vegetables need love too! I don’t see ‘Cucumbers’ or ‘Cabbages’ running around.

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In other way way way different news…I published a book. Well, self-published. It’s very short, and I’ll probably make less than a person receiving the minimum wage is paid in a second…but oh well. I plan on writing more, and maybe actually traditionally publishing them.

So I’ll add a new page to this blog with my BOOKS. Oh dear, this blog is starting to be like all those cheesy book review ones. (Just know I’m not a nerd).

It’s about a girl who finds herself in Ancient Egypt. Oh, and it’s sort of a children’s book. But if you want to laugh at my attempt to write, go ahead and click this…

Right now it’s on Lulu, but in a bit it’ll be available on the Nook and Apple (oh Apple!) store. So please help out a soul and buy my book!

 

Mustangs, coffee and cats

Hey again!

I’m so busy today :/ I’v been editing this blog, writing books and trying to publish stuff. But let’s talk about the new look!

The background is now peachy pink and brown, it needed to look more colorful anyway. Also, there are 3 new images in the sidebar! Whoopee! My favorite CAR (which I’m getting!!) a MUSTANG, coffee beans (because I just love coffee and it inspires me to write), and a CAT (I have a cat, and cats make everything look cosier). 

I’m really enjoying using different colors, maybe it should become a permanent thing :/ 

I still need to change some things up a bit more, but I’m not sure. I don’t want to overdo it like some celebrity’s face.

So see you guys later I’m off to write more and publish more and try and make money more and etc etc until I have enough dough to get out of here

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What should my surname be?

Hey everyone!

I know, I haven’t posted in novemdicillion vigintillion googol centillion googolplex years (valid numbers, I swear). I guess I’v run out of excuses for my departure :/ But oh well, let’s move on!

Bank holiday Monday is tomorrow, so I guess there’s a day off for me! Yay! I can do pointless things like watching 50 more Desperate Housewives episodes! Well, what I’m planning to do is mope around on the dusty corners of the internet, searching for appropriate surnames.

You see, I’v just finished writing my first (very) short book. It’s around 75 pages (36 in Word I think), and it’s this weird tale of this kid who travels back in time to Ancient Egypt. Wooo. I’v had this idea since I was 9 years old (I used to trail around the living room with a backpack, trying to force myself into the character of a lost adventurer).

I think it’s pretty good, and I’d publish it if it wasn’t so short. So I’ve looked into the jolly idea of self-publishing on Lulu! All was great until I stumbled upon the impossible task of finding a pen name. Changing the spelling of my first name to ‘Lydia’ (which is spelt another awesomer way, btw), I could not think of a surname AT ALL. I literally sat around willing myself to think of one for a few weeks, and NOTHING CAME UP. I was actually about to give up and call myself Lydia Noname at one point.

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In other news, yesterday I was peacefully trying to charge my iPad with my brain, when this LOUD LOUD LOUD noise kept on getting LOUDER near my window. It sounded like a damn plane about to crash!! I’m not kidding, I was literally praying for God to spare me. It turned out the thing was a fighter jet, practicing for the London Olympics.

Hey! This is my first post from the computer after a few posts from my iPad! It’s good to be back here! Maybe I should name my computer…I name everything that exists. Like that jet up there is now called Barry. But now I want my computer to be called Barry…hmm. Ok, the plane can be Barry F-462 (since all planes have names like that).

I’m gonna go before I expose more of my madness onto this post…bye!

 

Obligatory Easter Stuffing

It’s Easter! Well, I don’t know if it is…you see, where I’m from, it’s Easter next week. However, next week I’m going to this 60s Mustang show. Also, it’s the day before school and I don’t want a moody Easter. So we’re celebrating it today.

I don’t shove food in myself. I don’t over eat. I’m too critical of my body, I mean c’mon, I’m a Virgo. However, on celebrations it’s different. Remember when on Christmas I wrote I was gonna starve the whole day then pig out at dinner? Well, that motive’s made a comeback!

I woke up today to find my parents happily devouring some delicious Easter eggs and other Easterly things along with their breakfast (which looked glorious). I just sat there, staring. I didn’t even have lunch, while they smiled at their garlic bread. Tonight, I’m gonna stuff my pie-hole. I’m gonna eat EVERYTHING!

Anyway, since I’m not eating right now and am STARVING, I needed something to distract myself with, so I played poker. I beat their asses soooo bad! In the end I closed the app, doing a little Michael Jackson dance to celebrate.

Iv seen so many YouTube vids to celebrate Easter, including one with this guy trying all these sweets…which turn out to be so disgusting. I think you should watch it, it’s called Easter Tat Special | Ashens. I would give you a link or put the vid here, but you know what iPads are like.

And since Zeddie Little (ridiculously photogenic guy) is going viral and I’m poker fuelled right now, let’s celebrate that with a meme.

 

I guess I’m just gonna do my ten assignments on Sunday night.

Guess what! I have two weeks off from school! Yes, it’s the long awaited Easter break! I’m gonna have so much fun! If fun means watching tv and laughing at every word my favorite character says the whole day, then yeah, I’m gonna have fun.

I actually made a whole timetable yesterday. It had those fancy columns and writing and ahhh it was nice. Too bad I never used it properly. That timetable went to hell the moment I opened my eyes, a bit later than I was meant to. It was frankly a waste of MB; yes I use my iPad for everything.

The strawberries & cream I made for breakfast turned out horrible. I used sour cream instead of the nice sweet one! I vented out my anger at this by screaming at the characters of One Tree Hill (currently on the telly at that time), but ate it all up anyway. I still feel sick.

I ended up drastically lengthening the periods of ‘computer time’ and ‘Tumblr’, yet incredibly shortening the ‘write essays’ ones once I realised Yahoo!Answers couldn’t help me.

Fortunately, I still managed to squeeze in P90X, TurboFire and Brazil Butt Lift! I’m not letting my sweet body go away that easily!

Woah! I just separated my iPad keyboard in two! Awesome! It’s so confusing writing like this! I feel like I have the temperature and am hallucinating! Time to join the two keyboards together! That’s better!

In other news, I’m starting to write another book! Hopefully I can publish it soon and start throwing money up in the air like confetti, similar to the people in movies.

I guess I’m going to do all my long assignments on Sunday night 12pm, the day before they’re due. Or maybe, the lesson before they’re due! Yes, the library’s great for doing nearly overdue homework! After all, would you want to have a premature baby? No? Then why do homework earlier than it’s due?